So much time has passed since my last blog - it feels like I have lost my thread just ever so slightly. Today is my own Father's yarzheidt - the day that he passed away 9 years ago.
Losing my father-in-law so suddenly, so unexpectantly last month, has brought enormous stress and sadness upon us. And also, as could be expected, this inner fight because we believe things could have turned out differently if only he hadn't been so stubborn. We have been telling him for years about nutritional products that could help his body repair itself, but he poo-pooed anything we said and declared himself a "traditionalist". Whatever the doctors told him, he would adhere to religiously and this meant an increasing amount of highly toxic medication to control the symptoms of Parkinson's Disease, And now we are all dealing with grief!!!
I know what it is like to deal with chronic disease. When my heart failed at 38, I thought my life had come to an end. I am just thankful that I had the medical attention at the time which saved my life. My Dad had just died and I flew back to South Africa for the funeral. Mom noticed that I was coughing 24/7 and insisted that I went to my sister's doctor for anti-biotics. To make a long story short, after a month the cough had gotten worse - not better and I duly traipsed back to the same GP's Surgery. They immediately hooked me up for an ECG, then sent me for X-Rays at a nearby clinic.
My older sister took time off work to drive me there. It seemed like ages that we had to wait for the results. Eventually the Radiologist brought the X-Rays with a long letter for the GP. He also sat me down and explained that they discovered that I did not have Tuberculosis or Asthma - something to be grateful for, but that my heart was totally enlarged and probably in failure.
Whether it is chronic illness or death, we still go through the different stages of dealing with the trauma. There is the denial - "This isn't happening to me" or "Why is this happening to me?".
I was just numb. I could not even speak to tell my sister what the radiologist had said. I guess I was in total denial! The GP actually pulled in a favour and got me an appointment with a Cardiologist the very next day! Thank God I was in South Africa, because, with the NHS in England, the process might have taken anything from 7 to 9 months to even see a Cardiologist.
I also had the most wonderful angel - my Mom - who allowed me to rest for nearly 7 months which I believe gave my heart time to at least get stronger again.
Not only did Mom let me sleep when I needed to (I would wake up in the morning, have a bath, get dressed and within 1/2 hour I had fallen asleep on top of my bed again), but she also did not judge me when I lost my temper with frustration, hurt, anger and pain. One of the results of heart failure seems to be the inability to cope with any stress or pressure, and boy, did I fall into that category!
During this time, the events that lead up to heart failure played in my mind over and over again. I thought about the struggles, the lack of appreciation, the pressure of full-time minstry, the way I had been treated, etc etc. Inevitably, I had to start dealing with the grief and the next step was the anger. Anger because we cannot change what has happened. Anger because we feel that things would have turned out differently if ... And so often we turn this rage towards those closest to us - brothers, sisters, mothers, husbands, wives. It is all a part of the grieving process, and it is so important to get that rage out of our systems, before it destroys us - and those around us!
I spent months speaking forgiveness over and over again. As a situation or incident popped into my head, I spoke forgiveness. Even though it was the hardest thing to do, I knew that unforgiveness would hurt me more than it would hurt those that tried to destroy me. So I persevered.
Once we have raged out the pain and anger, we can start to move towards the stages of acceptance and resolution which we all eventually come to. Healing takes time, and even though, at the time, it seems that the pain will not go away, eventually it does.
I have never cried so much, hurt so badly, despaired so deeply as when I decided to resign from my position as Dean of a Bible Institute because I intuitively felt it was killing me, then lost my Dad, within a month found out my heart was failing and subsequently had to sell my home and my car because I was too ill to go back to doing revival meetings or to make rational decisions. I also thought I probably would not make it anyway, and had no help or support from anyone in order to be able to keep my home or perhaps re-mortgage - which would have released some of the increased capital value.
The fact is, in seven months I lost everything! My life, my career (ministry), my Dad - whom I loved so very much, my home, my car and ultimately my reputation as a minister - and that is a story I never, ever wish to repeat, so we will leave it at that!
For several years I just existed. Too unwell to have a life, I felt as if my life had come to an end. Looking back now, I realize that I had fallen into a deep, deep depression which was brought on not only by my the events that had led to my heart failing, as well as my desperate circumstances, but also clinical depression due to my medical condition.
In the midst of this despair, God had a few angels who stood by me - Adonna and Steve, then Angelo and Yvette, and finally my dearest friend Pam. These awesome ones were there for me when I needed them, and that means more to me than life itself! Admittedly, I was going through such pain and grief that I was not easy to be with, so it is so much more of a testament to their friendship and love.
And this is the greatest test of true friendship - when all is going well and you are the superstar, many are drawn to your success. But only your true friends will stand by you when times are tough. And my God, how tough they have been!
But, as with all things, there are seasons in our lives and eventually, even after the most severe winter, springtime comes and tiny little blossoms start to bud. And hope springs forth. Soon, every part of your life that seemed to have died forever begins to bloom with new life, and joy and gladness breaks out like the sun from behind a dark sky. And life goes on...
Until next time, let me leave you with this thought : Every valley we experience today helps us to truly appreciate the glory of the mountaintops ahead!
Love always,
Salome
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